I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?
Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done
Are you done forgiving?
Can you look past my pretending?
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?
But I hear You say
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between
The times you doubt me
And when you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real?
The times that you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
The times that you bend
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between
The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times that you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there in your heartache
I'm there through the storm
My love I will keep you by My power alone
I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends.
- Tenth Avenue North
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Another Chapter Closes.
Just FYI, Nesquik powder and water doesn't make very good hot chocolate. But i couldn't find the Swiss Miss.
I'm sitting here with a CUSG mug of mediocre hot chocolate, a moleskin, Pastoral Ministry According to Paul, and Mat Kearney Radio playing on Pandora.
My room is bare. Scattered things lie here and there, but the couches are gone, the posters are down, and a feeling of goodbye lingers in the air. The last few pages of this chapter of my life are light between my fingers as I slowly, hesitantly flip them over one by one, bracing myself for the back cover of the book.
Things are going to change fast, and suddenly. My college career will be half over, and while i'm learning a lot of myself, I find for every answer i get, three more questions present themselves. I feel like i still have so many loose ends to tie up. Mostly because i do.
I've learned a lot about myself, about investing in each moment, about priorities, about why i'm at college in the first place. Sometimes i wish i could get things right the first time, but i suppose i will have to be satisfied with learning from my mistakes. Like making hot chocolate with Nesquik powder and water, and putting off long term projects until finals week, and ignoring the nudges of the Holy Spirit that don't make sense in the moment, and trying to stop sinning by monastic attempts at righteousness.
I feel like this next chapter is going to be amazing though. Even though I can't deny the bittersweet goodbyes of this chapter.
I'm sitting here with a CUSG mug of mediocre hot chocolate, a moleskin, Pastoral Ministry According to Paul, and Mat Kearney Radio playing on Pandora.
My room is bare. Scattered things lie here and there, but the couches are gone, the posters are down, and a feeling of goodbye lingers in the air. The last few pages of this chapter of my life are light between my fingers as I slowly, hesitantly flip them over one by one, bracing myself for the back cover of the book.
Things are going to change fast, and suddenly. My college career will be half over, and while i'm learning a lot of myself, I find for every answer i get, three more questions present themselves. I feel like i still have so many loose ends to tie up. Mostly because i do.
I've learned a lot about myself, about investing in each moment, about priorities, about why i'm at college in the first place. Sometimes i wish i could get things right the first time, but i suppose i will have to be satisfied with learning from my mistakes. Like making hot chocolate with Nesquik powder and water, and putting off long term projects until finals week, and ignoring the nudges of the Holy Spirit that don't make sense in the moment, and trying to stop sinning by monastic attempts at righteousness.
I feel like this next chapter is going to be amazing though. Even though I can't deny the bittersweet goodbyes of this chapter.
Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Jellyfish.
I've been feeling kind of aimless as of late. I guess i never really noticed it until i started to get sick of it. Kind of just washed around like waves. but i never really noticed, because i wasn't fighting it. Now that i'm trying to fight it though, i'm realizing how much i suck at fighting. I'm noticing how much the waves are affecting me, how little power i have to find them. I've always been a self-proclaimed "go-with-the-flow" kind of guy, but this is getting ridiculous. My greatest strengths are also my greatest weaknesses. So i guess i'm just trying to figure out how to get some direction. I want to do some soul-searching. But i also want to keep all the deadlines and readings and responsibilities that i've been missing in check.
and through all this, attempt to remember what life is all about. the verse i keep going back to is John 15:5
i'd better do that reading now.
and through all this, attempt to remember what life is all about. the verse i keep going back to is John 15:5
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."so i guess i'm not really a jellyfish on my own, more like a stick. sticks don't even have arms.
i'd better do that reading now.
Friday, October 9, 2009
A Theology of Homecoming Court
I have yet to develop a theology of fame. Let me explain myself.
Recently, I was selected for homecoming court. So here I am, one of two sophomore class representatives. So I'm just left staggering. I've found, when I'm thinking about it, that my mind goes one of two places. I either am puffed up, and feel like I somehow earned this honor, or I sink into a place of utter inadequacy and depression, and all of my faults are made glaringly obvious in my mind.
My question is, how does one develop a worshipful attitude through a popularity contest like homecoming court? How does one worship God through an honor bestowed by men? I have no idea. How did King David continue his lifestyle of being "A man after God's own heart" while people were chanting "Saul has slain his thousands, David his tens of thousands." I would say that the reason is just that God has given me the talent, and then this is just an honor by men acknowledging my talent, but I know so many other people that are so much more talented than me. I know so many people with more charm than me, more wit, more prowess athletically, more leadership skills, more musical talent. So why on earth did I get so many votes?
One other thing that gets me is trying to figure out why God gave me this gift, when I have so many other gifts that I would so much rather have. I have so many things that I want that only God, in his intervention, can give. And I know so many people who wanted this honor so much more than I did. I wasn't even thinking about homecoming court, frankly. There were plenty of other things that I was thinking hard and praying hard about. Those remain unanswered. So what is God trying to tell me? Why does God bestow me with honor when I would be happier with anonymity and an awesome girlfriend? (Random side note, at this point, my dad had already met my mom and was just biding his time before he asked her out. I feel so old.)
The more I think about life, the more I realize that everything boils down to how much I trust God. God is soaring above me with a birds-eye view, while I'm floundering around in tall grass that I can't see anything until I step in it, but I can look behind and see where I've come from and all the crap I've stepped in. Not only that, but He has my whole life planned out. I don't go anywhere that He hadn't planned me to go. So here I am, in a place that I'd never planned to be, and frankly wishing I was somewhere else. I know for a fact that this is not the right attitude to be in at all. If God has me here, this is where I'm supposed to be. I could not be in a better place right now. That's a comforting thought to have.
I haven't really come to a conclusion in all of this, but I think I'm moving in the right direction. My best bet will always be to continue an increased focus on God. I'm always returning to Hebrews 12 when I run into a big brick wall of life.
Right now, I've got everyone from Abraham to Gideon, to Enoch, to Rahab, keeping an eye on me, sitting in the stands as I run this marathon called life.
The answer to my question posed at the beginning turns out to be simpler than I thought, but still difficult. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. He wrote my faith, he is perfecting my faith. I need to throw off all of the sin that wraps around my legs and trips me up. All of the pride, as well as all of the self loathing, because both come from a lack of trust in God.
When my focus is on Christ, everything else follows.
Recently, I was selected for homecoming court. So here I am, one of two sophomore class representatives. So I'm just left staggering. I've found, when I'm thinking about it, that my mind goes one of two places. I either am puffed up, and feel like I somehow earned this honor, or I sink into a place of utter inadequacy and depression, and all of my faults are made glaringly obvious in my mind.
My question is, how does one develop a worshipful attitude through a popularity contest like homecoming court? How does one worship God through an honor bestowed by men? I have no idea. How did King David continue his lifestyle of being "A man after God's own heart" while people were chanting "Saul has slain his thousands, David his tens of thousands." I would say that the reason is just that God has given me the talent, and then this is just an honor by men acknowledging my talent, but I know so many other people that are so much more talented than me. I know so many people with more charm than me, more wit, more prowess athletically, more leadership skills, more musical talent. So why on earth did I get so many votes?
One other thing that gets me is trying to figure out why God gave me this gift, when I have so many other gifts that I would so much rather have. I have so many things that I want that only God, in his intervention, can give. And I know so many people who wanted this honor so much more than I did. I wasn't even thinking about homecoming court, frankly. There were plenty of other things that I was thinking hard and praying hard about. Those remain unanswered. So what is God trying to tell me? Why does God bestow me with honor when I would be happier with anonymity and an awesome girlfriend? (Random side note, at this point, my dad had already met my mom and was just biding his time before he asked her out. I feel so old.)
The more I think about life, the more I realize that everything boils down to how much I trust God. God is soaring above me with a birds-eye view, while I'm floundering around in tall grass that I can't see anything until I step in it, but I can look behind and see where I've come from and all the crap I've stepped in. Not only that, but He has my whole life planned out. I don't go anywhere that He hadn't planned me to go. So here I am, in a place that I'd never planned to be, and frankly wishing I was somewhere else. I know for a fact that this is not the right attitude to be in at all. If God has me here, this is where I'm supposed to be. I could not be in a better place right now. That's a comforting thought to have.
I haven't really come to a conclusion in all of this, but I think I'm moving in the right direction. My best bet will always be to continue an increased focus on God. I'm always returning to Hebrews 12 when I run into a big brick wall of life.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3)
Right now, I've got everyone from Abraham to Gideon, to Enoch, to Rahab, keeping an eye on me, sitting in the stands as I run this marathon called life.
The answer to my question posed at the beginning turns out to be simpler than I thought, but still difficult. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. He wrote my faith, he is perfecting my faith. I need to throw off all of the sin that wraps around my legs and trips me up. All of the pride, as well as all of the self loathing, because both come from a lack of trust in God.
When my focus is on Christ, everything else follows.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Old and New.
I noticed something today. Blogging is very similar to scrapbooking, especially if there are photos involved.
I noticed this because i started using the scrapbook that i got as a graduation present to record my adventures with Polaroid. So far, it's just the Polaroid that they took when I first moved in to Cornerstone, and a bunch of undeveloped Polaroids, because the chemicals in the film that was in my new old Polaroid camera are all dried out.
So I'm thinking that our children are going to view our blogs like we view our parents' scrapbooks. I also realized that i have a running log of my life since starting college, in the form of my Facebook! But Facebook has made it very difficult to go back very far on your profile, which is stupid, if they're going to gum up their servers with all our public personal information, they might as well make it available to us.
The End.
I noticed this because i started using the scrapbook that i got as a graduation present to record my adventures with Polaroid. So far, it's just the Polaroid that they took when I first moved in to Cornerstone, and a bunch of undeveloped Polaroids, because the chemicals in the film that was in my new old Polaroid camera are all dried out.
So I'm thinking that our children are going to view our blogs like we view our parents' scrapbooks. I also realized that i have a running log of my life since starting college, in the form of my Facebook! But Facebook has made it very difficult to go back very far on your profile, which is stupid, if they're going to gum up their servers with all our public personal information, they might as well make it available to us.
The End.
Monday, July 27, 2009
The Trip to Iowa.
I spent a while on the road this weekend. About 24 hours. Actually, I made the slightly depressing realization that i spent just as much time on the road as at my destination. Fortunately, it was worth it.
I drove 12 hours to Iowa with my friend who had just come in on a plane a few hours earlier. Being fortunate enough to have inherited a fraction of my mother's common sense, I drove the first leg. We had a fairly uneventful drive except for Jordan winning an awesome rubber ball filled with water and sparkles, and the thunderstorm. or should i say, The Thunderstorm.
We were headed towards Cedar Rapids, which is a good sized city that comes out of the blue in the middle of the cornfields. All we could see in the distance were dark clouds, and flashes of lightning about every two seconds. Then we drove underneath it. When that happened, there were sheets of rain coming down, and visibility was nil. and then came the hail. It was awesome.
[BTW, i have video, but it needs some editing cuz it's so long, but i've spent the past hour or two trying to find a decent converter so i can edit it, and i'm having no luck.]
Our next stop was a little place called:
Yep. We had to drive 4 miles off the freeway to Williams, Iowa to fill up at this place. one of my favorite parts of this gas station was this:
We got to Nate's house about 1:30 Iowa time, which is 2:30 our time. And we slept.
The next morning, Nate's family left before we did. Obviously. I didn't even see Nate that morning. Nate's dad heated up some bagel and egg and cheese and ham delicious sandwich, all the while making sarcastic wisecracks at Nate's friend Bryce, who was his best man, and who was at the house that morning... i don't know why.
Josh arrived at around noon, the wedding was at 2:30. We had a bit of a scare, because Jordan and I were on our laptops, and all of the sudden Jordan looks at his laptop and yells "HOLY CRAP! IT'S AFTER TWO!" Me and Josh freak out, i glance down at my laptop clock which says 2:13 or something like that, and then Josh says, "Is that Iowa time?" we breath a sigh of relief, and pull out our cell phones. 1:13. Josh: "Welcome to Central time, guys."
The wedding was great. If you've ever been to a wedding before, you have a good idea of what happened. It was nice to see the ceremony, because it would have been weird to come back to Cornerstone, and have Nate all of the sudden be married.
After the wedding, things started to get super interesting/weird. Because Jordan and I couldn't leave until the next morning, we didn't really have anything to do. Nate suggested that we go to his family's after party, so we could eat something and have something to do. Well, it did keep us entertained...
The highlight was the hayride full of about 40 of Nate's relatives, about 70 percent of them being slightly intoxicated. It was interested to say the least.
One uncle's favorite joke was: "what do you say on a hay-ride? 'HEY!!!"'
So we proceeded to yell "HEY" at everybody we saw. Hee hee.
We then made our awkward appearance at Nate's friend Blain's house, for his bonfire. Let's just say that throwing fireworks into a coffee can filled with ignited gas is a great icebreaker. So towards the end there was some great conversation, and I had a great time.
We hung out with Nate's family a bit after we got back, so we got to bed later than we wanted, so we left the next morning later than we wanted. I don't know how we thought we were going to leave by 8 in the morning anyway. We're crazy.
The drive back went great, it was mostly in the daytime, which was nice. We even had the pleasure of stopping by Amy's house to take a break, eat some food, and hang out at the beach for a bit. It was a nice break. For some reason Jordan got super hyper when we got to Amy's house, so he was fine on the way home.
And then i got home. And here i am!
The End.
I drove 12 hours to Iowa with my friend who had just come in on a plane a few hours earlier. Being fortunate enough to have inherited a fraction of my mother's common sense, I drove the first leg. We had a fairly uneventful drive except for Jordan winning an awesome rubber ball filled with water and sparkles, and the thunderstorm. or should i say, The Thunderstorm.
We were headed towards Cedar Rapids, which is a good sized city that comes out of the blue in the middle of the cornfields. All we could see in the distance were dark clouds, and flashes of lightning about every two seconds. Then we drove underneath it. When that happened, there were sheets of rain coming down, and visibility was nil. and then came the hail. It was awesome.
[BTW, i have video, but it needs some editing cuz it's so long, but i've spent the past hour or two trying to find a decent converter so i can edit it, and i'm having no luck.]
Our next stop was a little place called:
Yep. We had to drive 4 miles off the freeway to Williams, Iowa to fill up at this place. one of my favorite parts of this gas station was this:
We got to Nate's house about 1:30 Iowa time, which is 2:30 our time. And we slept.
The next morning, Nate's family left before we did. Obviously. I didn't even see Nate that morning. Nate's dad heated up some bagel and egg and cheese and ham delicious sandwich, all the while making sarcastic wisecracks at Nate's friend Bryce, who was his best man, and who was at the house that morning... i don't know why.
Josh arrived at around noon, the wedding was at 2:30. We had a bit of a scare, because Jordan and I were on our laptops, and all of the sudden Jordan looks at his laptop and yells "HOLY CRAP! IT'S AFTER TWO!" Me and Josh freak out, i glance down at my laptop clock which says 2:13 or something like that, and then Josh says, "Is that Iowa time?" we breath a sigh of relief, and pull out our cell phones. 1:13. Josh: "Welcome to Central time, guys."
The wedding was great. If you've ever been to a wedding before, you have a good idea of what happened. It was nice to see the ceremony, because it would have been weird to come back to Cornerstone, and have Nate all of the sudden be married.
After the wedding, things started to get super interesting/weird. Because Jordan and I couldn't leave until the next morning, we didn't really have anything to do. Nate suggested that we go to his family's after party, so we could eat something and have something to do. Well, it did keep us entertained...
The highlight was the hayride full of about 40 of Nate's relatives, about 70 percent of them being slightly intoxicated. It was interested to say the least.
One uncle's favorite joke was: "what do you say on a hay-ride? 'HEY!!!"'
So we proceeded to yell "HEY" at everybody we saw. Hee hee.
We then made our awkward appearance at Nate's friend Blain's house, for his bonfire. Let's just say that throwing fireworks into a coffee can filled with ignited gas is a great icebreaker. So towards the end there was some great conversation, and I had a great time.
We hung out with Nate's family a bit after we got back, so we got to bed later than we wanted, so we left the next morning later than we wanted. I don't know how we thought we were going to leave by 8 in the morning anyway. We're crazy.
The drive back went great, it was mostly in the daytime, which was nice. We even had the pleasure of stopping by Amy's house to take a break, eat some food, and hang out at the beach for a bit. It was a nice break. For some reason Jordan got super hyper when we got to Amy's house, so he was fine on the way home.
And then i got home. And here i am!
The End.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Good Gravy! I just climbed out from under my rock and realised I have not updated this since they invented sliced bread... You would not believe how insane my life has become. Stupid Global Warming!.
I am so busy with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, selling my soul to Google, just generally being a nuisance to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day seems to be a litany of stuff and giggles from work to sun down and beyond. I am wearing my budgie smugglers. deal with it.
I hope you are having a good life I will make more of an effort to blog more often until the nice men in the white coats come back. Peace! No Joke!.
****
I found an automatic blog post generator.
Ch-ch-ch-check it!
I am so busy with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, selling my soul to Google, just generally being a nuisance to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day seems to be a litany of stuff and giggles from work to sun down and beyond. I am wearing my budgie smugglers. deal with it.
I hope you are having a good life I will make more of an effort to blog more often until the nice men in the white coats come back. Peace! No Joke!.
****
I found an automatic blog post generator.
Ch-ch-ch-check it!
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