Recently, I was selected for homecoming court. So here I am, one of two sophomore class representatives. So I'm just left staggering. I've found, when I'm thinking about it, that my mind goes one of two places. I either am puffed up, and feel like I somehow earned this honor, or I sink into a place of utter inadequacy and depression, and all of my faults are made glaringly obvious in my mind.
My question is, how does one develop a worshipful attitude through a popularity contest like homecoming court? How does one worship God through an honor bestowed by men? I have no idea. How did King David continue his lifestyle of being "A man after God's own heart" while people were chanting "Saul has slain his thousands, David his tens of thousands." I would say that the reason is just that God has given me the talent, and then this is just an honor by men acknowledging my talent, but I know so many other people that are so much more talented than me. I know so many people with more charm than me, more wit, more prowess athletically, more leadership skills, more musical talent. So why on earth did I get so many votes?
One other thing that gets me is trying to figure out why God gave me this gift, when I have so many other gifts that I would so much rather have. I have so many things that I want that only God, in his intervention, can give. And I know so many people who wanted this honor so much more than I did. I wasn't even thinking about homecoming court, frankly. There were plenty of other things that I was thinking hard and praying hard about. Those remain unanswered. So what is God trying to tell me? Why does God bestow me with honor when I would be happier with anonymity and an awesome girlfriend? (Random side note, at this point, my dad had already met my mom and was just biding his time before he asked her out. I feel so old.)
The more I think about life, the more I realize that everything boils down to how much I trust God. God is soaring above me with a birds-eye view, while I'm floundering around in tall grass that I can't see anything until I step in it, but I can look behind and see where I've come from and all the crap I've stepped in. Not only that, but He has my whole life planned out. I don't go anywhere that He hadn't planned me to go. So here I am, in a place that I'd never planned to be, and frankly wishing I was somewhere else. I know for a fact that this is not the right attitude to be in at all. If God has me here, this is where I'm supposed to be. I could not be in a better place right now. That's a comforting thought to have.
I haven't really come to a conclusion in all of this, but I think I'm moving in the right direction. My best bet will always be to continue an increased focus on God. I'm always returning to Hebrews 12 when I run into a big brick wall of life.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:1-3)
Right now, I've got everyone from Abraham to Gideon, to Enoch, to Rahab, keeping an eye on me, sitting in the stands as I run this marathon called life.
The answer to my question posed at the beginning turns out to be simpler than I thought, but still difficult. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. He wrote my faith, he is perfecting my faith. I need to throw off all of the sin that wraps around my legs and trips me up. All of the pride, as well as all of the self loathing, because both come from a lack of trust in God.
When my focus is on Christ, everything else follows.
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